Missio Colonia | Kevin and Kathi in Cologne, Germany

Kathi: I have decided that I don't let go of things very easily. I mean, no big surprises -- I've known that for years. But ... it seems like the Lord really wants to do something about it. He's making me rely on Him. He's allowing me to be tested in some very demanding ways, and I have to be honest, I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that makes you want to give up, but rather a monotonous weariness that makes me feel older than 26. A tired that that makes me want to ride my bike like the children out on summer break.

I realized how responsiblity makes you old -- your age is just a number.

I've been thinking about how Jesus says to become like little children, trusting Him for our needs. And I was struck at how utterly I fail at that -- but... I do want it. I yearn for it. To be free from the demands of responsibility. Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm all for responsibility -- but I don't have to be chained to it, do I? Can't I just leave it at Jesus' feet?

This week I was hit by something so confusing, and it came from someone I dearly love. Someone who is in confusion and pain of some sort, and it involves me somehow. And it has taken most of my energy to not let this ambiguity drive me crazy. The thought of somehow hurting someone drives me to distraction. And all this week I have had to carry on at my job, and prepare for important support stuff -- and all I've wanted to do is to think of what I could have done to cause hurt or harm. But no answer comes.

And so as I've been mulling this all week, I've been thinking of responsiblity. How responsible am I for someone else's battle? How responsible am I for someone else's thoughts or actions or lack of action? That is the question that burdens me.

And then I hear the Lord, gently whispering to stop. His grace is sufficient for my weakness. I just need to unload those burdens at His feet, trust Him to take care of it, and continue walking in faith.

Ever since we returned from training, we have both felt so much testing. And I really shouldn't be surprised, especially when hardship comes from a beloved person. This testing is preparation for the challenges we'll face on the mission field. And, oh... how they can hurt.

But the Lord is loving, and gracious. And I'm so blessed to have an amazing husband who walks beside me, and is a vessel of the Lord's love to me.